April 18th

I rarely have days where I ask God to prepare me for the emotions that will be coming my way - as I believe He only gives me as much as I can handle. But today, I wish I had asked - because then I would have known what was coming.

We woke up this morning having this many number of days left before Gwen is to arrive...

We now go to bed having only this many...

Before you tell me to calm down, that we're talking about a mere week in advance - let me explain that I had prepared myself for everything to be wrapped around April 24th. Nothing before - but certainly anything after.

Today was Gwen's Week 35 check-up. The biggest part of today's appointment was wrapped around the ultrasound to determine if Gwen was breech. Our prayers were answered - as she's currently sitting in position - head down, back to my right side and butt up top. I did ask if she was face-up or face-down, only because I was curious. At today's appointment - she's face up...which is exactly as I had hoped - that way when I talk to her, I know she's looking. :) Her heartbeat was racing at 161 bpm. She must have been oober excited to see Mom and Dad!

I could stare at this profile all day...

Squished face!

After it was determined she's in the position we want her in - it was announced that she's currently weighing 7lbs, and is measuring 37 weeks. This entire thought threw me over the edge of emotions. After we walked out of the room, with our new images of our baby girl, I sat in the waiting room and cried. I'm beyond ready to meet Gwen, to connect with her in so many ways - but I want to her to be healthy. I kept imagining her coming too early - that despite her being in good weight, that her lungs aren't developed.

We then met with Dr. Bell, as she walked us through what she read from the ultrasound. She double-checked my file for my glucose test results, saying that she had never seen a baby this size (at this stage!) where the mother didn't have gestational diabetes. She confirmed the results were as she had read them the first time. She explained that at the latest we would have a baby on Wednesday, April 18th. She then explained that she wants to have another ultrasound in three weeks - to nail down an exact delivery date.

She mirrored what the ultrasound tech stated, that there is a margin of error in size with ultrasounds - a half a pound below and above - but that her biggest concern is continuing to allow Gwen's body to finish developing on her own. Despite measuring two weeks ahead of schedule, she didn't see the need to check whether I'm dilated or not - which did ease some of my nerves.

She explained that her weight is completely out of my control - but I couldn't help but continue to feel guilty. I've done everything in my power to make sure she's been given the best while growing in my belly, and so far throughout the entire pregnancy it has been almost perfect. I can't help but think I could have done something more, something better or different.

Therefore, as I go to bed tonight - I can't help but continue to think about how little time we have. I'm mixed between the most excited emotions imaginable - that we will have a nailed-down date Gwen will make her grand entrance! - and the most concerned level of emotions. I just ask that God continues to hand us only what we can handle, and when we think we're not prepared to handle it - that He sends us what we need to believe.